Maybe realizing, you'll cry for me like I cried for you. Miss me like I missed you. Maybe you'll need me like I needed you, love me but I won't love you. And I admit it hurts to say, or remember it everyday, but i have to keep questioning myself, why feel guilty and hurt so much for walking away from something you left yourself, long ago.
You knew I hurt myself and often asked to see what I'd done. As a father, you'd ask me why. But maybe now, if you asked to see my scars, I wouldn't pull up my sleeves and show you my arms. I would reach down my throat, and pull out my heart, to show you all the nicks and cuts, which have all but healed. I would ask you to count them, my heart in your hands, then maybe, you'd realize that there's one for every time that i needed you, and you were absent from the world.
Maybe realizing, you'll cry for me like I cried for you. Miss me like I missed you. Maybe you'll need me like I needed you, love me but I won't love you. And I admit it hurts to say, or remember it everyday, but i have to keep questioning myself, why feel guilty and hurt so much for walking away from something you left yourself, long ago.
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I am always overwhelmed by that feeling where your heart won't slow down, and your mind is freaking out, and your palms are sweaty. And I can't help but feel like i did something wrong constantly. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety, and I can't stop shaking, and there's no way to stop it, and I'm absolutely miserable, and i can't stop thinking abut how it would be if it just stopped, if I just stopped. -M.M
I keep thinking that there's something wrong with me, because my dad doesn't miss me, and my friends won't speak to me, and you won't love me, so i guess the common factor there must be something wrong with me, because what are the odds of everyone being this way. -N.R.G I am up and down, high and low, it's like being on drugs yet drugs are what they give me to even me out. I am up and down, high and low, and all I want to be is normal. -B.G.T I can't knock on a door or ask for extra napkins, I can't call and ask how you are, I can't raise my hand without the fear of being wrong. I can't hang out with people, I can't live. It's like being in a cage that's unlocked, I can get out but I've trapped myself. It's like waiting to have friends but can't hang out, it's like suffocating but you're still breathing. It's not a way to live, it's a way to die. -M.L Fear. You come and you take my strength, strangle the air out of my lungs. My heart pounds, my hands shake at your arrival. You turn me into something I'm not, someone I don;t want to be. Who gave you the right to decide the me I am, isn't the one I could be? I want you out of my life, out of my heart, out of my soul. Where do I begin, where does the journey end? Fear- You think you reign supreme but your rule will end. You are strong, you are ruthless. But you cannot be victorious. You are what you are, but fear this, I am me. It can be very hard, but sometimes you need to know when enough is enough. Sometimes you need to know when it's finally time to let go and be happy.
As it is mother's day, I would like to take a moment to thank my mom for being the best she could be. She has faced many difficulties, and still managed to keep her family safe and healthy. I know that I have been some of those difficulties, but no matter what I did, she was always there and continues to be. They say that a mother has unconditional love for her child, and throughout my life i have grown to see that that is true. Even when I felt so alone, even when i blamed her or argued with her, even when I had hurt her, she was there loving me and telling me that it would be okay. Without my mother, I would be nowhere near where I am today, at all. Thank you mom, for being the best mother there is.
Sorry I have not posted or updated the page lately, I have been away for a while and I'm not sure when I will be coming back, but I wanted to post this while I had the time.
Never forget that you are not alone in anything you do or go through. It may be hard now, but it does get better. I've hit a lot of hard places in my life, I'm even in one right now. But I know that eventually, it will get better. Life is up and down, all the time. But don't always worry about how or when it will get hard again. Because anxiety and stress is one of the last things you want when you're finally free of all of those things for a little while. Savor the moments that are good and easy. I'm always here for support. Maybe not always right away, but i will be here :) People may tell you that you're stupid, that you're weak, that you're just emotional and over-dramatic, but they can't see how you really feel. They don't know what goes on in your mind when you're quiet, but that's when you have to think to yourself 'They can call me all that they want. I may deal with the things the wrong way, i may cope with bad methods. But I know this. I don't need them to tell me. But i also know that i could be doing much worse. They may see me as weak, but i see myself as strong for the things i have gone through and still manage to stay here and keep fighting.' No matter how hard it is to tell yourself.
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AuthorI ask to be remained anonymous on this site, but am willing to help anyone who needs it :) Archives
October 2015
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